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Slicing Bread

Uniformity defines a good slice of bread. Knots, whorls, and grades hallmark the rough ware of swarthy, unkempt bakers of ages past. Industrial bread slicers now produce pristine planes for industrial chefs, but what of the small commercial kitchen or home? Are prosumers relegated to the dark days of irregular bread? No! Stop wrestling with that awful “bread knife” (seriously, whoever decided to serrate a turkey calfer and call it a “bread knife” should be deboned) and invest a few measly dollars in a hand-held multi-slicer—the best invention since sliced bread!

Simply place a freshly-baked loaf on a moistened cutting board, allowing the bread to cool until it no longer readily yields to a poke. Grasp the multi-slicer tightly in your dominant hand and mash it firmly into the loaf.

A human hand pressing a pastry blender into a loaf of sourdough bread

Press down straight and hard, avoiding the temptation to saw. It’s not a saw. It’s a hand-held multi-slicer. If mashed firmly with consistent pressure, you’ll feel a quick succession of light pops as the multi-slicer pushes through the top and bottom crusts, leaving four perfect slices of bread in its wake.

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For more than four slices, simply repeat. Easy. Now please go buy a hand-held multi-slicer and discard that awful, serrated blade with which you’ve been marring your bread.

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